Of Dresses and Reflections

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

I stepped out from behind the white draped curtain. My sister, mum, and best friend waiting on the other side with excited looks on their faces.

Sure enough, it was my own episode of Say Yes To The Dress. Contrary to the US and UK version however, this dress was custom designed and fit to perfection to exactly how I wanted it to be like. There wasn't a need to say yes to it at all, just a matter of adjusting parts that I wasn't typically too happy with. 

"It looks great! Maybe just need to add a bit more lace around the waist, and it would be just nice. What do you think?"

To be honest, I never really had a dream wedding dress in mind. The ideas that I had were mainly taken from bits and pieces of Pintrest and other magazines. The outcome of those ideas looked lovely, better than I could have imagined. Yet there I was standing in front of mirror, veil draped over my head with pointy pristine white shoes peeping shyly through the edges of crepe silk, and I still couldn't tell if this is how I would look like as a bride, or just plain old me in a beautiful white dress. 

"You know Ma, maybe it won't be so bad if I don't get married after all. I mean its not the end of the world, and I can always take care of you and Babah." 

I remember Mama's face that day. Disbelief at what she was hearing, and especially coming from her youngest daughter that is. Though she pretended to not take me seriously, she spent the next couple of months trying to slow talk me into the importance of companionship and although I won't feel it right away, eventually it will start to get lonely once everyone else becomes occupied with their own families. 

Its funny to think that I could end up being so bitter about marriage considering that when I was 16 I shamelessly told the girls in my school that I would be married by the time I was 20. That was how devoted I was to the idea of being the perfect wife to somebody, as a matter of fact I was already preparing myself to stay at home and just be that girl, you know? God knows how thankful I am now that my high school sweetheart went on to smash my heart to smithereens. Because if it wasn't for that depressing heartbreak, I wouldn't discover the potential I had in myself and did not achieve the things that I have now. 

"Things have to fall apart to make way for new things." 

- Ted Mosby

I didn't completely shut love out the door after that. My friends would tell you I was a hopeless romantic that did a lot of stupid, stupid things for the ones I adored. And somewhere along those lines, somehow a realization came to me and slapped me in the face. I was done. I was tired. I just wanted to be alone. I shut the door because I did not want to be disappointed anymore.

Perhaps maybe that's why its so hard for me to convince myself and my reflection that this was really happening now.  

Although I am happy, sincerely and contently happy with the love and respect that I have found, I guess a part of me still thought this would be too good to be true. I was scared to allow myself to be overly joyous as I feared that it would easily be taken away from me. 

My train of thought was interrupted by a beeping sound. My sister passed me my phone as the designer placed delicate pins at certain areas.

"Anyooooo. How's the fitting? Nice ah? Can I see anot? 😍😍😘"

My lips curled upwards and then for a split second, I caught a glimpse of her. She was there in my reflection. The 16 year-old me that wanted nothing else but to be married to the man of her dreams. 

"So if this is all good, we can make the minor adjustments and you can pick up the dress next week!" 

A sense of warmth filled my chest and it assured me that my heart hasn't frozen all over yet as it might have seem. 

I believe when the time comes, the bride in me will  eventually make her appearance.

It will just take the right man to do it.