花の悩み

shoot me

2012-02-04T21:58:00.001-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

the suspense is killing.

i wish someone could just take a gun and shoot me already.

roughly 15 days before i go to BTN.

or if i rephrase that it means that i have 20 days left to know which University i'm headed to.

and i don't know why it's bothering me so much!

i should just wait patiently.

it's either Kagawa or Utsunomiya so no need to worry.

but then i start having these weird dreams where i'm thrown ALL the way to CHIBA!

not that i'm saying it's a bad thing but, it's messing with my head.

i've always wanted to go to Kagawa.

it has the course i want to study, it's cute and small (okay that's besides the fact)

it's in the middle so not too up or not too down

the town of Takamatsu is also not too old fashioned.

i don't know about the cost of living but i'm sure it will okay.

the downside is just that there's no Senpai there.

i'll be alone.

but i thought about this countless of times before i chose Kagawa.

sure life will be slightly tougher.

but we have to learn to survive right?

the cool thing about Utsunomiya is that it has my Senpai.

and even Pah and Fahima applied there.

and suddenly i'm thinking having Pah together with me would be awesome.

so there's just the difference.

GAAAAAAHHHH *BANG*

the irony

2012-01-31T18:05:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

[for two years i've been in IBT i never had a fever before.

now i'm down and can't get up from my bed.]

[the two people that keep arguing and never seem to get along

end up going to the same university]

[the one that tries the hardest

is labelled as the one who doesn't try at all]

[the one that cares the most

is usually the one most ignored]

hahaha. life.

how pathetic

forget the olympus

2012-01-27T19:04:00.000-08:00

now THIS is the camera for me :D

the bigger picture

2012-01-26T23:24:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

we do not notice it,

but most of the time, it's the little things that bother us the most.

well for me that's how it is.

worry over things that should not be worried over.

cry over things that are not worth crying over.

but we do it anyway.

for some reason.

we are human beings i guess.

and it's a human thing.

it's only been the first week of my official freedom,

and yet i keep worrying over things that i don't even know WHY i bother to worry over in the first place.

so now. i'm taking a step towards resolution, and i shall stop thinking about little petty things.

what's the use over worrying over problems that have no solution.

let's take a look at the bigger picture.

wondering

2012-01-26T06:31:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

so you decided to see me out of the blue

should i let you come over?

i think your doing fine

-Yuna (Decorate)

you disappear then suddenly you reappear

how do you think i feel?

how i feel most; of the time

2012-01-25T04:20:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

especially 602, 609 and 614

wish list

2012-01-23T06:55:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

current wishlist

okay so for now there is only 2, but believe me it shall grow.

and maybe i do wish that certain someone will come around.

or will i be wishing, until the last falling star..

blog walking

2012-01-22T06:41:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

do you notice how most girls describe themselves in their blog as the kind that don't care about what other people think?

well i noticed that today.

girls will be girls.

or are they really?

the dog days are over

2012-01-20T23:11:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

after 2 years of rain; finally the rainbow can be seen :)

i have successfully graduated from Institut Bahasa Teikyo.

and yes insyallah i will be flying off to Japan this March.

yes i could write all my feelings and what not, but since the feeling is indescribable, i guess i'll just keep it short.

but sure miracles do happen.

when you think about it 2011 was full of miracles.

i got a part time job at a Japanese carnival and even got RM30

i ran a marathon and got 11th place out of the 40 something people that competed.

i wore the yukata and danced at Bon Odori

i drew a flag for my sports team which i'm still proud of

i won a speech contest which was in a language that i keep failing in during exams.

i wrote my first haiku!

i cooked nasi ayam!

i played the guitar at KLCC park and various LRT stations.

and the biggest miracle is i survived IBT :)

thank you to all parties who made this possible.

moral of the story?

never lose faith, and even though all hope seems lost, keep your faith in Him, as he knows what is best for you. never let your enemies see you cry, nothing annoys them more than seeing that your still standing. keep your friends close, your family even closer; cuz at the end of the day they're the ones who will have your back and support you.

most importantly

believe in yourself.

sometimes even you don't know what your capable of.

so don't be afraid to jump.

take a risk.

and especially to F26; remember no matter how far we grow apart,

we're still looking at the same sky.

ishioni waratta hi, ishioni naita hi, sorewa bokura no kizunano akashinano...

insecurities

2012-01-08T02:23:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

we all have them.

don't we?

well i know i do, and i know that if i don't erase them they'll lead to a fall out which is something that i really don't want at the moment.

so what do we do when we have these insecurities that creep into our heart and whisper all kinds of dark fears?

do we block them out and fake ourselves that they aren't true, when actually you know in some weird and twisted way it does bring some sense and the probability of occurring is fairly high and when it does happen you feel stupid for not trusting your early insecure feelings.

or do trust these insecure feelings, do what they tell us to do to avoid being hurt in the near future but then when you think back of what you just did you live in full regret.

sounds like Taylor's back to December.

but regardless, we will always have these insecurities.

so might as well learn to adapt with them.

or in other words

learn to live with the decisions you make.

and tell yourself that every decision you have made

is the best decision that could have been made.

in Islam, there is no 'what if' or 'if'

there is only is.

and whatever is happening in your lives right now,was meant to happen.

sometimes i wish i can believe in the things i write

say you like me

2011-12-31T18:04:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

happy new year :))

in times i've noticed how i'm always stuck at this same position.

where there's no one around to tell how i feel.

even if i did they wouldn't understand anyway so what's the point.

you keep it in,

it starts to eat you up so better to let it out.

but how? a question i'm still trying to find the answer to.

yes forgive my ramblings, am i going anywhere with this?

is it even an option if i say that i'm tired of being nice?

that i'm tired of TRYING

i'm tired of CARING

i'm tired of SMILING at your face and telling you

'oh i'm fine, yes just fine'

but as a natural reflex even when i don't want to care eventually i'll care anyway.

so how do i cut these chains that bind me to a world leading to things that just tick me off.

yes i smile. i have that wide grin on my face.

come to think of it i'm just lost.

i just felt like i needed to write this.

she's the girl that no one ever knows

looking back

2011-12-29T05:03:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

there are some sayings that say you should never look back.

because thinking about the past only stops you from moving forward.

some people think that when you look back, you learn from past mistakes; hence able to make sure you don't repeat them.

so which should it be.

honestly speaking, i've forced myself many times to not look back.

because when i do it cuts open healed wounds.

but if my wounds are healed, why should it still hurt?

maybe they aren't.

how long is this supposed to take?

i hate running away from things, but apparently i'm good at it.

and it has become like a natural reflex.

whenever hurt comes around, just run.

i don't want to know what happened.

i don't want to know why it happened.

so i run.

and i never look back.

so i'm thinking, am i really healed from my past wounds?

as the holidays come to an end;

2011-12-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

we usually only get 1 week holidays, maximum 2 weeks at most.

reason being is that so we don't tend to forget the language.

weird.

you spent 2 years cracking your head, and fight the urge to murder yourself just to learn and yet in 2 simple weeks you can forget half of it already.

well i guess that's why we don't get 1 month holidays.

so what's different about this holiday?e

i finally got to do the things that i've given up for sometime.

and heck it feels awesome!

i've started sketching again.

it used to take me only 2 weeks to fill up a sketch book, but it's been 6 months and i'm not even close to drawing half as many pages.

i got to play the guitar again! and i mean really play it this time.

especially with Sakura :) (the pink guitar!)

well i'm blogging :D even though there's limited internet access, i'm sure i'll find away, and i'll be done with school soon anyway. so worry not!

and i think i'm just running out of things to say.

my brain is squeezed dry.

maybe i'll give it another try.

some other day.

Penantian itu satu Penyeksaan

2011-12-22T00:03:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

it's over.

i mean practically not EXACTLY over, but all the

TEIKI

MATOMEI

SHUKUDAI

and most importantly the MO is all gone. (the terms above would only be understood by pre-japan students)

so what now?

now is where everything goes down hill.

now is where you WAIT.

you wait for them to tell you the result.

but it's not just ANY result, it's a death defying kind of result.

super scary life changing result.

you-will-so-die result.

giving me more reasons to freak out!

so even if it's the holidays, how am i supposed to enjoy myself?

hohohohhahahahahaihihihihihihihihihi

GET OVER IT!

happy feet 2

2011-11-23T23:53:00.000-08:00

i'm moving up the food chain! i'm gonna chew on something that has a face! - Will the Krill

recap

2011-11-22T01:51:00.000-08:00

sesungguhnya realiti itu tidak indah;

hello world!
it feels good to return back to writing. a place i can pour out my ramblings and feelings without having to annoy anyone.

so it's been roughly more than a year since i enrolled in IBT, and believe it or not the rough ride to reaching Japan is nearly over, thus giving me the time to actually blog again.

so even if i had to recap everything, let's just say that learning Japanese taught me ALOT of things, and opened my eyes to many things that i've never really realized before. well everything happens for a reason right? no matter how bad it is. or that is how i see things.

but despite all the painful insults and critisms, beautiful rainbows and sunshine appeared as well, to help me remember that life is not just about passing examinations, and reaching people's expectations.

so what did i learn this whole year?

-failure doesn't kill you.
-being at the bottom of the class hurts, but it doesn't mean your the worst.
-no matter how hard you work, some people will just not believe you but that shouldn't bring you down

and yes there maybe lots more, but i'm sure that everyone gets the picture.
so truth be told, i don't know if i am going to Japan or not, but whatever the outcome, i know He knows whats best for me, and i'll take it on full force.

sure maybe there will be those who will laugh at me.
those who will look down on me.

but that's life.

oh and yes, one more very VITAL lesson that i've learnt,
sometimes what you don't expect might just come and find you, and when it does you'll find it hard to believe, but thankful at the same time :)

cheerios!

return;

2011-11-21T03:32:00.001-08:00

it's been a while;
but it's good to be back :)